Neurodiversity and Connection

Autism and Attachment Myths: 6 Truths About How Neurodivergent Children Bond

When my two year old pulled away from my hug in a busy room, I quietly wondered if I’d failed to bond with her. It took me many years, and a lot of learning, to understand what was really happening.

A Hug Pushed Away

When my eldest daughter, Bella, was about two, I took her to a busy play space. Other toddlers ran across the mats, tumbled, then scrambled back to their mums for a quick cuddle before running off again. It was the textbook picture of a child using a parent as a “secure base”.

Bella didn’t follow that script. She went to a quiet corner and played on her own. When she bumped her knee, she didn’t run to me. When I hurried over and tried to hold her, she pulled away and turned her face from me, as if my cuddle was too much.

I remember a quiet, sinking feeling. Does she not need me? Have I failed to bond with her?

At the time, I was an academic in Indonesia, lecturing in early childhood teacher education. I taught student teachers about John Bowlby’s attachment theory and Mary Ainsworth’s research on how toddlers respond to separation and reunion. Yet in that play space, my lecture notes didn’t help at all.

I didn’t know then that I had ADHD, or that Bella did. I didn’t understand how strongly her senses responded to noise, crowds and touch. Years later, I would also complete online professional development in autism, including a course on autism and attachment through a neurodiversity affirming lens. Bella isn’t autistic, but that training helped me see our story differently. Many neurodivergent children, autistic children especially, are measured against a narrow picture of what love and attachment “should” look like.

What Attachment Really Means

Attachment is the deep emotional bond between a child and the people who care for them. Psychiatrist John Bowlby described how young children look to a trusted adult for safety, especially when they’re scared, hurt or tired.^[1] A securely attached child tends to use their carer in two ways:

• A safe haven: someone to come back to when things feel hard.
• A secure base: someone who helps them feel safe enough to go and explore.

Here’s the important part: attachment is about the bond and the sense of safety, not about how a child shows it. A child can feel deeply safe with you without lots of eye contact, without big hugs and without chatty greetings.

Where Autism and Attachment Myths Began

Many parents of autistic children still carry a quiet sense of blame. That has a history.

When psychiatrist Leo Kanner first described autism in the 1940s, he also commented on the parents he saw, describing some as emotionally cold. In a 1949 paper, he wrote of children being kept, in effect, “in a refrigerator which did not defrost”.^[2] Psychologist Bruno Bettelheim later popularised the so called “refrigerator mother” idea in his 1967 book The Empty Fortress, suggesting that cold mothering caused autism.^[3]

That idea has been completely rejected. Autism is a neurodevelopmental difference with strong genetic influences, and parents don’t cause it. But the shadow of that blame lingered, and it quietly shaped some of the myths that are still around today:

• That autistic children can’t form real, secure attachments.
• That a child who avoids eye contact or hugs doesn’t love their parents.
• That if a child struggles socially or emotionally, it must be a bonding problem.

What the Research Says

A well known meta analysis, which combined many earlier studies, looked at attachment in autistic children.^[4] It found that many autistic children were securely attached to their carers. As a group, they were somewhat less likely to be classified as securely attached than non-autistic children, but that difference was much smaller among children with stronger cognitive and language skills.

In other words, autism and secure attachment go together all the time. Where differences appear, they may partly reflect how attachment is measured, and the extra challenges some children and families face, rather than a lack of love.

Why Standard Attachment Tests Can Mislead

Much of what we know about attachment comes from Mary Ainsworth’s Strange Situation, a short observation where a toddler plays with their parent, meets a friendly stranger, and experiences two brief separations and reunions.^[5] Researchers watch especially how the child greets the parent when they return.

It’s a valuable research tool. But researchers and clinicians have raised concerns that some autistic behaviours can be hard to interpret within it. For example:

The lesson for parents is simple: if your child doesn’t greet you the way children in books do, it doesn’t mean the bond isn’t there.

6 Truths That Replace Autism and Attachment Myths

How Neurodivergent Children Show Connection

Here are some of the ways autistic and other neurodivergent children may show they feel close to you. You might recognise your own child here.

Sensory Response or Rejection? A Quick Guide

When a child pulls away, it’s natural to wonder if they’re rejecting you. These questions can help you look at it differently.

• Is the room busy, loud or bright? If so, your child may be overloaded, and touch is one more input.
• Did the touch come by surprise? Many children cope much better with touch they can see coming or choose.
• What kind of touch was it? Light touch can feel irritating, while some children prefer firm pressure, or no touch at all.
• Do they come back later? A child who pulls away, then sits near you once calm, is showing connection.
• Do they seek you out in other ways? Watching, following or bringing you things all count.

Attachment and ADHD: Our Family’s Side

This post focuses on autism, but our own family’s story is about ADHD. Bella’s ADHD wasn’t identified until her twenties, though the signs were there from when she was a baby. Looking back, the same lesson applied to us: her pulling away was about her body and her overwhelmed senses, not about our bond.

Children with ADHD can also be misunderstood. A busy, impulsive or easily upset child is sometimes seen as “difficult”, and daily conflict can wear on any parent and child. What helped us was connection and repair. After a hard moment, coming back together, saying sorry when I’d snapped, and finding small moments of fun. I write more about this in signs of ADHD in girls and mother daughter bonding activities.

When the Parent Is Neurodivergent Too

There’s a side of this that’s rarely discussed. When I was lecturing, I was masking my own disorganisation and running on adrenaline. When Bella pulled away from me, it hurt more than it might have, because like many adults with ADHD, I felt rejection very strongly.

Learning I had ADHD in my forties helped me forgive myself. I wasn’t a cold mother. I was a mother whose own senses were often overloaded, trying to understand a little girl whose senses were just as intense. When both parent and child are neurodivergent, connection isn’t a smooth textbook journey. It’s a lively, sometimes messy dance of learning when to come close and when to give each other space. More in being a parent with ADHD.

What My Autism and Attachment Training Taught Me

My online professional development included a course on autism and attachment through a neurodiversity affirming lens, as well as courses on masking, DIRFloortime, affirming play and ethics. I’m not a psychologist or clinician, and this training doesn’t make me one. But a few ideas changed how I see families.

• Start from the child’s experience: ask what the world feels like for this child, not just how they compare to others.
• Unmasking is a sign of trust: many neurodivergent children hold it together in public and let go at home. Home is where they feel safest.
• Don’t blame parents: parents are partners, not the problem. Their wellbeing matters for the whole family, including fathers, who are often overlooked.
• Respect consent and comfort: ethical, affirming support doesn’t force eye contact or touch to make a child look more “typical”.

I share more of what changed in my thinking in our child development guide.

Building Connection at Home

You don’t need special training or equipment to strengthen your bond. Small, respectful changes make a real difference.

• Let go of eye contact: many autistic people say eye contact is uncomfortable or makes listening harder. Let your child look at their toys or the floor while you talk.
• Ask before touch: offer a hand or say “Would a hug help, or would you like me close by?” Respect the answer.
• Sit side by side: being next to each other, looking at the same thing, often feels easier than face to face.
• Join their interests: trains, insects, numbers or a favourite show can all be a doorway to connection.
• Learn early stress signals: clenched jaws, covered ears or faster movement can warn you before overwhelm. See toddler hair pulling and frustration.
• Lend your calm: when they’re upset, sit nearby quietly, breathe slowly and keep your voice soft. See coregulation strategies.
• Make bedtime connected, not rushed: a predictable, gentle routine helps children feel safe at separation time. See toddler sleep resistance and ADHD.
• Create calm spaces: a quiet, uncluttered corner gives everyone a place to settle. See calm corner design.

Attachment in Early Learning Rooms

Children form attachments to educators too, and those bonds help them feel safe enough to learn. For neurodivergent children, a few things can make a big difference.

• One familiar person: a consistent key educator, especially in the first weeks, helps a child settle.
• Gentle separations: predictable goodbye routines and picture schedules make drop off less confusing.
• Read behaviour kindly: a child who doesn’t seek comfort may still need it, in a different form.
• Partner with families: ask how the child shows they feel safe at home, and share what you see in the room. The Home and Kinder Snapshot helps.
• Never blame parents: families of neurodivergent children often already carry a lot of guilt.

Free Printables for Connection and Calm

These free PDFs from this site support connection, calm and shared understanding between home and the room.

More free tools are on our printables page.

The Long View

Bella is grown up now: bright, capable and creative. Our relationship has never looked quite like the pictures in the textbooks I used to teach from, and that’s okay. We connect through shared interests, honest conversations and respect for each other’s need for space.

If you’re sitting on the floor today with an aching heart because your child didn’t look at you, pushed your cuddle away or seemed not to notice you, please let go of the shame. Look closely. Notice the toy left near your feet, the footsteps following you into the kitchen, the quiet sigh when you sit nearby.

The bond is there. It may look different, but it’s real, and it can keep growing in its own way.

Autism and Attachment FAQs